The more senior you become, the more visible your leadership becomes. People watch how you speak in meetings, how you respond under pressure, how you make decisions, how you set direction and how you react when things are uncertain.
Yet what is often far less visible is what senior leaders are carrying, the questions they are asking themselves quietly, and the personal and family responsibilities sitting alongside the professional ones. There are moments when they are expected to give confidence to others, even when they are still working through everything themselves.
This is one of the reasons I recently hosted my first senior leader dinner, a confidential space for women leaders across industries to come together, put job titles and organisations aside, and have a different kind of conversation.
This wasn’t another networking event, or social gathering over drinks, but a real and deep conversation about the human realities of leadership today.
Respecting the confidentiality of the room, I share here the broad themes that emerged from the dinner, exploring why leadership and life are not separate conversations, why senior leaders need trusted spaces to share what they are experiencing, and how behaviours, language and signalling can shape the culture experienced by the people they lead.
Leadership and life are not separate conversations
One of the strongest themes from the evening was that leadership and life cannot be neatly separated. Senior leaders are often expected to perform with confidence, composure and consistency. Yet they are also human beings with families and caring responsibilities, they have health, personal and emotional pressures like everyone else, and doubts about what is sustainable.
One of the questions I asked during the dinner was, ‘What feels heavy to you right now?’
It is a simple question, but not one that many senior leaders are often asked. In many workplaces, leadership is still treated as if the personal context is left at the door, yet the reality is that your leadership is shaped by all of you, not only by your job description.
This is particularly important when change is constant, and performance expectations are high, and leaders need self-awareness, communication clarity and the ability to stay connected to themselves, as well as others.
Looking for a different kind of leadership conversation?
Your behaviour gives people permission
Another powerful theme from the dinner was the idea of signalling behaviour- policy wording alone does not create culture, senior leaders do so through what they signal in their behaviours.
You may have a flexible working policy, but if every senior leader stays late, responds at all hours, and visibly moves their own boundaries, the unspoken message is clear: flexibility may exist on paper, but not in practice.
One idea that came up in the conversation was ‘leaving loudly’, the idea of visibly and openly leaving on time, whatever the reason, so that others understand they are allowed to do the same, recognising that your behaviour teaches people what is safe, acceptable and genuinely valued. If you want people to feel safe to work flexibly, they need to see senior leaders doing that without apology.
Language can create confusion instead of clarity
We also explored the gap between language and reality, which matters deeply because language shapes what people believe is expected of them.
When women are told to be ‘more confident’ or not to be ‘too nice’, it is worth pausing to ask what is really being communicated. Is the feedback precise and useful, or is it placing responsibility on the individual to adapt?
In global and culturally diverse environments, this becomes even more important. Words like ‘confident’, ‘direct’, or ‘visible’ can mean very different things depending on context and power dynamics. For high achievers preparing for promotion, the wrong language can make them question whether they are ready, when what they may actually need is more specific guidance on how to influence at the next level.
Leaders need to become more conscious of the words they use, the assumptions those words carry, and the behaviours they are rewarding.
Carrying leadership questions you cannot easily discuss?
AI was not the main conversation
One of the most interesting parts of the evening was that AI barely came up until the end of the conversation, which surprised me at first, given how often AI dominates workplace conversations right now.
However, on reflection, it made complete sense because the themes we were discussing were deeply human, including sustainable leadership, how to keep learning and growing, and blend life and work responsibilities.
These are not side issues, as the more technology changes how work gets done, the more leaders need to strengthen the human capabilities technology cannot replace: judgement, empathy, trust, communication and Cultural Intelligence.
Want to learn more about the power of conversation?
Senior leaders need more conversation spaces
Many leaders do not need more facts, data or insights, there is already plenty of that, but what is needed is more space for conversation, to hear how others are navigating similar challenges and connect with others where the common denominator is the recognition, ‘it’s not just me.’
That was my realisation about the real power of the senior leader dinner, and in a world that rewards increasing speed, these slower, deeper conversations may become one of the most valuable commodities leaders can prioritise.
Where do you currently go to have honest conversations about the realities of leadership?
What are you carrying as a leader that others may not be seeing?
I explore these themes further in my podcast episode, The Hidden Reality of Senior Leadership, where I share my reflections from my first senior leader dinner. Listen to the episode here.
If this topic resonates, you may also find my book, Become a Global Leader, helpful for exploring the four pillars of Confidence, Clarity, Challenging Conversations and Connection.
And if you’d like my support for your leadership as a sounding board and thinking partner, you can book a clarity call with me.
